Two years ago I wouldn't have seen myself here. Living without certain people that affected me in more than just one way. But now it not only seems that I'm better off, I feel like I'm better off. I don't need half the people I did then and I'm surprising everyone.

i don't remember anymore and i don't want to. your sick, twisted memories are being covered. Their being buried under bushels of happiness running off of some one elses current. One that makes me happy and blissfull. One that make me admiring and strong. No longer do I need those dull memories that brought me to this day, to this conclusion that I have come to several different times. That I don't need you. And that I'm alright, I was always alright, I just didn't want to be left in the dark like another past time that has kept me up several times. I love you, I hate you, & so many more things that remain unsaid in the middle of it all. Even intoxicated goosebumps still crawl up my skin when I think of you and what you did and how guilty I feel for doing it to him. I understand now, I do, and I forgive you.

I know its late and my voice is cracking

i don't have it in me to be like you. i know he means what he says and i won't ever put anyone through what you put me through. i'd rather myself be miserable then anyone else feel how i did because it was the worse feeling in the entire world and you didn't do anything about it.

i just want to stand on top of a mountain and scream like theres no tomorrow. i want to scream until i feel my lungs give out and my body begins to collapse. i have so much anger toward everything you are.

S2

you can't pop in my life whenever you'd like. you need to always be there or you need to not be there at all. you won't ever be able to completely understand what you constantly walking in and out does to me. it turns my hopes into something bigger and then the next day you go back to pretending i don't exist. we'll talk all night and you'll say cute things, then the next day its back to nothing. you've become a stranger to me, we rarely talk anymore besides on those nights you acknowledge me or actually answer me. i'm afraid to become familiar with you again because the last time i did that i was left. its like you don't want me to know your next move, you don't want me to know anything about you. call me crazy but i think you care about me. you have to care about me some what. but the thing is you don't do these things to people you care about. that's where i'm confused. it seems like you've been playing mind games with me for the past almost 2 years. honest to god, i'm convinced you have this radar where when i'm not thinking about you, you'll pop in and make me think about you. then like i said, its back to nothing in less than 24 hours. i'm not going into the new year with all of this, everything that has ever been left unsaid on my chest. i'm starting fresh with or without you. i've lost you before and i've had you before, it makes no difference to me anymore. i've learned to deal. i'd rather you stay but i'm not going to make you stay, cause like i said, i've learned to deal and i've adjusted to life without you even though i'd rather it be the other way.

we have too much fun.

i've been staring at my eyes lately. i'm finally seeing how much they can give away. i had never realized how much of a story mine actually tell. looking at them, staring at the person back at me, my eyes water up. i see everything that i don't say.

i know i can make it and that's what scares the hell out of me.

inhale, exhale. constant reminders that beauty is still left in even the most destructive things. stomach doing cartwheels around the world and eyes searching for something more, a bigger piece to the puzzle. searching for identity, blurred faces stay behind along with fuzzy words. a box hides under the bed containing faces and hidden explanations. a thick notebook with pretty words disguising themselves as excuses, trying to form reason out of cracks in the ground.

i felt like writing, thats what i got out of it.
i'm kind of proud.

crossed lines i shouldn't have crossed

it's kind of funny, my life. sometimes its easy--as easy as remembering, and others it's worse, kind of like trying to forget. either way, i'm always trying to be secure and maintain my balance with gravity. i never knew you'd be apart of that gravity.

more so, in my situation the best way you can put it is "the lamb fell in love with the lion." i'm no monster.

Beauty in the breakdown

I forgot exactly what this quote said, but it was beautiful. It said how to live everything up, each day especially, because once that day is gone you can't ever change it, it stays in the past as something to remember.

I never think of anything that way. When I'm doing things, when I'm laughing, when I'm crying, I don't realize I'm making my own history. I think of it as another day, but then a year later I'm remembering that day.

It's so hard for me to write something so pretty with music that I don't find inspiring. I can't do pretty things without pretty sounds, without pretty inspirations and pretty memories even if they are sort of ugly. The prettiest memories are the ugliest, I've learned.

Fragile people are the most beautiful. They seem so vulnerable and so weak, but there's a light in them that shines brighter than ever. Theres a brighter side to being vulnerable, and weak. You fall in love. Its not as easy to fall in love when you have your guard protecting the pounding in your chest. A pencil and paper, a keyboard and screen, won't ever be able to cover that feeling I had; before, and after everything happened. You weren't fragile, but you were still beautiful. I was drawn to you because of that. You were hostile and destructive. Your smirk could con the entire city, but they'd fall in love with you as you did. Being on the subject of that time gives me goosebumps everywhere even though I'm not cold. I shake because of how clear the memory of you remains, and how easily I can allow myself to slip back into this time. I close my eyes and see everything. I feel the damp grass against my feet, the pulse in my heart going, the laughter going on between us all, the darkness in the trees and the streetlights shining brightly, the sweat out of nervousness, the temptation to make something happen. Something great, something beautiful. Shivering like this, frantically, makes me kind of sick. Just when I think I'm done, I'm not, but maybe thats the beauty of it.

gobble gobble

it's my birthday. wow. i look back at this time last year and i'm such a different person and so many different things were going on. well, since it's also thanksgiving i guess i can tell you what i'm actually really appreciative of. i couldn't get anywhere without my brother, seriously. i can't imagine life without him, i'm more than happy to always have him. i love my grandparents too, if it weren't for them we'd wouldn't have gotten through a lot. i'm thankful for the true friends i have, the ones who remember things about me, the ones who keep my secrets, and the ones i can always depend on. This year is going by so fast, but I'm so excited for it to be over. I'm another year closer to becoming everything I've ever wanted to be.

<3

Its those pills that you don't need to take, medicating perfection

I hate how my blog seems so depressing every time I write in it. There actually is a happiness in me, I can promise you that.

I really hate how everyone wants what they can't have. Like if you really think about it, it's so true. It makes me such a hypocrite, saying that, but everyone agrees so I guess we're all damn hypocrites. Wanting what you can't have fits with basically everything. You'll stare at something, anything, till you get it. Then once you have it you really don't care about it anymore. We all take so much for granted without even realizing it.

My Language arts teacher had us write undesirable things about ourselves. As I was writing it I had to laugh at myself a little. I had to write five and I only wrote three because if I told the other two, it'd be so easy for everyone to guess it was me because of how I would've put it.

Me and Viki have come to the conclusion that we have too much pride to go through past times.

You believe anything your favorite singer sings you

I never ever write about you, I don't even think about you much anymore. You were my best friend at one point, you were also the prettiest girl in my eyes at one point too. That all changed because of your personality, it made you ugly. Now that I don't know you anymore, I see you through the eyes of a stranger.

That was nearly 3 years ago, maybe more. I remember a few of our memories like eating dinner as a family, we'd play pretty music and light candles. I remember being sick together because of how stupid we were to eat pickles and cookie dough. I remember laughing with you, but not what I was laughing at.

You came in and out to teach me a lesson, something I would remember for the rest of my life. The only thing I think I'll remember is that when I was 11, My best friend abandon me. From then on out, I was eaten alive.

I was constructed for you, and you were molded for me

I know I'm always going to feel like I'm missing something, a piece of myself. Whether its my parents, the best friends that came and left, or the boy. Those things were such a distinct part of me for such a small amount of time, I learned to find my way with them, but not with out them.

"All I'd ever wanted was to forget. but even when i thought I had, pieces had kept emerging, like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below."

to the spill canvas, love a fan.

although i can't tell you what your songs mean, i can tell you what they mean to me. for instance, lullaby tells me to remember. it tells me to go back to two years ago, back to that neighborhood, back to the boy i fell in love with. it tells me to climb out of the window again and roam the empty streets trying to find a sense of security. it makes me miss a lot for some reason. the pretty lyrics and instruments combined, together as one, like how me and him use to be. your music is so beautiful and so inspiring. it turns my stomach to butterflies and sends goosebumps crawling up my spine and for that i'll never be able to thank you enough.


that's cute, and sort of heart wrenching.

I know its late and my voice is cracking

I'm sitting outside, freezing, but I don't want to go inside. This is the feeling I like, this is the weather I crave. My arms have goosebumps crawling up them, and the tips of my fingers have already began to lose feeling, but I'm not ready to go inside. The leaves change really does have a certain beauty. I'm watching this tree blow, and as boring as it seems, it's something else. Every leaf moves in pattern, some falling off and some blowing away, but some refusing to let go of there place. The pumpkins are lit up, shining a pretty orange but not anything the leaves consider as competition. I smell a fire from a distance, I wish I was there, with those people, those strangers. I don't know why I love this weather so much. We lose feeling in our hands and feet, we shiver, we shake, we complain (well, not so much me, I'm the one writing a blog about it.) People driving by probably think I'm crazy, but they could probably never understand or see what I see in fall. It's fragility, and it's my personal calm after the storm. After the long summer, this is where I truly make something out of it. Everyone else is left numb but it takes me back to things. It makes me remember and it's this time of year I appreciate remembering most; even the bad things.

A lack of color

Fall is the prettiest season ever, and I'm not sure why I think that. It's not the leaves I find beautiful about fall, or even the decorations that are put up. It's the feeling you get when fall comes. It's cold weather and replaying memories. You wear scarves and hats to bundle up your head, to bundle the mind that carries so many secrets. You wear boots to finally protect the next heart you walk on, trying to walk on it gracefully but even sometimes still managing to trip over your own two feet because of the wind that carries you to wonders you've never had. You say things that were left unsaid before and you feel the most alone you ever have, but it's beautiful, and it's one of the best feelings out there even though the bed spot next to you is still cold.