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Five dollars

For when one moment, you lose your sanity. Your heart paces fast and your lungs become overwhelmed. Where if you don't feed the fire, strike the match, the consenquences are worse than what would happen if you didn't. The knots in your stomach never leave, they're just engulfed in smoke.

3x0

this is where i'm supposed to be. you can feel it in the sunshine. in the infinite scene that pauses time for a moment. where you're holding your breath and you don't realize it. when repetitive words seem routined, usual. when the shade is the heat and anything better would remind you of the beginning. when unusual faces, strangers, the unfamiliar, becomes the most familiar part of it all. when your moment becomes their trippin. when the best becomes the worst and i am the next best. when the world is in your fingertips and forever has never been closer to hold. when really it's not at all.

Crutch

It's where the song takes you. It's how each word has so much meaning in one moment. It's how you feel invincible, infinite. It lets you create your own story, one that replaces the older ones. It's how it seems that for just a few hours, there's enough to go around. The song takes you to a home you were unaware you had. A home you don't ever, ever want to leave.

I think he knew that when it happened, it would be the end. Maybe that's why he did it. Secretly, I think it's why I did it too.

is it the way the music hits you? is it the way your feelings are intensified? more good than bad? is it how things seem a little brighter? a little greener? is it how you can think so clearly? is it how your heart speaks so loudly? what keeps you returning? what always allows your feet to move but face ascend? what shows you to shine? whos faith is tied around your arm? around your finger?

your home is my home

His stories remind me of ours. Each leads down a dark street that hides behind shadows through the street lights, but each is lightly essenced with slight humor. He tells them with a beaming smile and a laugh with an uncertain tone because he's unsure of how long things will feel this way. He sleeps early through the nights, his restless body takes in energy through the dreams he dreams. He dreams you won't ever forget, he dreams that you will. He knows a weakness is coming on, he knows the streak will break, the sun will slip behind the clouds; he's just unaware of when. What he isn't doing is preparing. What he doesn't know is that the storm doesn't hit as hard when you are.

Waiting til the shine wears off

Often, when I'm embarrasing myself, I laugh. Not out of nervousness, because I can embarrass myself when I'm alone. It's funny though. While I'm singing terribly to songs or skipping around like a giddy kid, I think about what the deceased think about me. Thats not meant to sound crazy, its meant to sound honest. I laugh at myself because I think of how many of them are wishing they might have come across me in their lifetime or how many of them did the same thing, or how many of them wish they had. Stuff like that gives me strange hope because as crazy as this also sounds, I myself believe that someone who's dead, a guy in particular, could be like "I'd want to be with this girl." Its a controversial issue. I believe that the dead do surround us, some that are alive and living like their dead, and plain spirits that hold unfinished business. I also believe that the dead can see what they want to, who they want to, when they want to.

I'm not worried about a thing. Some will love me.

relax, relax; exhale and breathe

The old feeling returns. Personal security, assurance, is restored. Light from reflections beam showing optimistic eyes. Hopefulness returns but so does uncertainty of what to hope for. The chill curved in directions of repetition but slight doubt changed everyones mind. Unavoidable sentences cleared the path ahead making it vivid that sanity was still avaliable, especially to those who craved it. The story behind it all will stay behind but the feeling of unfinished business still remains. Words aren't done being spoken, I can taste in it the air and more so in the words. The ending of sentences don't mean a thing, it's not the end.

Its like I'm falling asleep with my eyes open

I think musical artist are trying to make up for the bad things that have happened to us all. Some of them write apologies in their lyrics, the saddest and most heart felt apologies we'll ever hear. It like they're stepping inside of someone elses shoes and taking the rightful place of giving you words that are long overdue. It
may not be coming from the person you'd like to hear say it, even still though, its coming. What they say, you know its true.

"You'll be loved like you never have known. And the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams, just a series of blurs like I never occurred."

I don't write like I did before because I'm not who I was before. Times have changed, thoughts have changed, things have happened. That not a bad thing at all. I'm moving forward again.

Stationary

My outercase sits on a dusted wood in the corner. I'm misplaced and out of my own order. Others surround me with their own stories but none like my own. I watch the feet at night walk past my permanent spot, you won't touch me without accidently remebering the night I was placed inside of your screen. You fumble with digits
and ignore the words that come from my mouth. You ignore the electricity thats bolted through sattelittes to deliver my message to you. I'm almost forbidden to write about the monster in you after seeing how much love you're capable of having. The carpet against your feet lets out a dragging noise and the back door creaks open.
I've led myself to believe that my soul containing the ability to harness my emotions onto a paper is whats walking inside. The Invisible really is the subject I am tonight. The bitter cold outside and the carbon dioxide in my lungs can't compare. The afterword was my story, my own interpertations of the events that had occured that night. I saw the girl with hopeful eyes watch me while you chuckled out of the emptiness that had filled your mind. I witnessed the hopeful eyes turn into loving eyes and the silence turn into whispers. You took her warmth, her security, her talent. In the end I'm just a movie to watch, the story never changes. In the end, the beautiful boy isn't so beautiful anymore and the hopeful eyes have turned into confused ones.

Chemistry 101

I've finally gotten what I wanted. Everything I had ever hoped for, everything that had ever crossed my mind, everything we had ever talked about occured. I was cold, I was tired, but I was with you. There's more then just history between us.

I don't know when I got here or how long I've been here. I could think for hours, I get so caught up in everything around me that I forget to check up on myself.

Untangling

I can't even be sad anymore. I haven't lost anything and I certainly haven't gained anything. We're all just living and for once I'm okay with that because for now I feel like this is where I'm suppose to be.

Hidden faces

I looked up to see myself on the screen, her, before this had tooken place. A flicker of her eyes allowed me to reach inside the feeling. I was able to crawl back into that hole and grab the blackest feeling of all. I can't ever, ever, let her out.

Carbon dioxide

Its never enough, atleast not for me. For years I've walked away with the smaller end but ever since then I refuse to even try to spike my luck. I feel every part of it in my throat, in my eyes, and in my chest. The feeling taking over, the resilience of our naive souls. No one knowing any better but certainly not anyone wanting to. We each carry a part of the story in our own heads, we each carry a memory that others have already forgotten. We make our way down seperate roads, some dead ends, some that are unfamiliar, and even more wrenching, some we just can't out of. It haunts me or more then less guides my mind to be smart because when a sign of weakness is shown the tables always turn.

explanation.

I am the reflection of two strangers I've never met but know so much about.

Come down now

I always think that people are so scary, sometimes feeling the same thing I am. I always think it's a coincidence when maybe it's not at all a coincidence, it's probably just life throwing us all off in the same exact way. Barely anything makes sense anymore but I'm ready to get on with things regardless of how they sound.

I'm not a mean girl but I can come off a little strong, still though there is reason behind my actions. I have this theory that behind all of the programmed thoughts we were trained to say, the things that make sense and sound appropriate, the things that others can relate to, behind those are the thoughts almost no one can understand. The thoughts that are foolish and sound stupid unless you can relate. We keep them there, pushed to the back of our minds, but every so often they reveal themselves and we wish they wouldn't have. We still have innocent, child-like thoughts that roam our heads, we just don't say them.

Supress

If its not one thing it's always another. Thats okay though. I've learned to look past everything thats falling apart unless its myself. In the end, I guess thats what matters anyhow. I'm not losing my balance over situations that shouldn't affect how firmly my feet are planted on the ground. I'm me and I'm happy regardless of the lyrics that echo from my speakers and the words that flutter out of my mouth. I do get bad thoughts, don't go thinking I've become Ms. Sunshine, I've just learned to push them to the back of my head and replace them with something better. Of course I'll have to face them sooner or later but I'm waiting till I actually know what to do with them.

Did you forget?

All anyone is ever capable of doing is remembering something. No mental notes, no reminders, nothing, will ever be able to bring someone to the story you see. You can describe everything from the floor to how the sky looked that evening plus how the clouds were shaped and at what specific angle they were positioned, even still, no one will understand a moment of your life, a memory of your past, unless they were there. Even then, sometimes you have trouble understanding moments of your life that you lived through.

Life is incredible, it's unforgettable and sometimes still so easily forgotten.

We're all angels on the inside, we play filthy roles

i love being in a good mood. i love feeling lucky. i love feeling like i've come so far because i really have. its funny how things worked out, its funny how everything worked out but i wouldn't change a thing now.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth

I need to slow down. I have more time then I think but I'm just so use to being in a rush. Everything really has changed and I'm honestly finally happy with it all. I'm a happy person all together. Don't get me wrong, a lot still is missing in this picture but I think I'm just use to it now. I'm use to feeling somewhat incomplete, it's actually what makes me feel complete in a way. I'll take each day as it comes. I'm letting go of my previous expectations because to be honest my expectations really never got me very far. My business is mine and yours is yours, just know I'm happy and that if your not in my life, I didn't need you and I told you so.

Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.

You wanna know the honest truth about how I see everything? You wanna know what's in my head? I see everything as a chance to make something happen. I see every moments potential to make something I'll remember, good or bad. My mind never stops racing and the thoughts I think are irrational, completely strange and some what lunatic like. Either way I can assure you the thoughts I think aren't about you. I'm looking for something and I'm unsure of what it is but I'm positive I'm likely to figure it out soon. No worries here, captain.

Everything keeps me remembering

Its like watching one of those pretty movies. The kinds where happy kids are shown from a window and you're looking in through the street. The kids are laughing and exchanging memories, they're living the dream. Its like in that moment, they're care-free, and your like 'I wish I was there'. There with those strangers, definitley making one of the greatest moments of your life, something you'll remember forever.

I am here.

We're all such different people from this time last year and we've all grown up so much.

Smirks and scowls followed by thoughts we have trouble deciphering. Feeling out of body and questioning when this transition took place, wondering when the stars slipped out of the sky and the moon lit up. That place tastes bitter and now it is so easy to leave words in my mind without them meaning a thing. I shouldn't be proud to have learned not to take things to heart and to second guess if people mean what they say but the true person who should be ashamed is the one who taught me how.

here where we tremble at the same old thought, here where our legs give out and we get caught

Every mile, a memory. The truth in that twists my stomach into unexceptional knots not quite anyone can undo. I wonder if its the same for you. I wonder if while walking applewood you think of what happened instead of thinking about what you're doing. I wonder if you get caught up, too, or if its just me going through all the motions. I really do hope this isn't only a side affect I have. I really hope you all feel what I do.

You are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.

if they survive through the night, thats what i hear from down the stairs. can anything survive alone through the night? the grass has the damp, the computer has its power, a paper has its lines, but us? we have nothing but delicate pillows that are suppose to surround us with the comfort of another. the sky was a stormy gray and i sung along with the song that had found its way to me. after leaving my words in a book i was tempted to retrace our steps because for the first time i wasn't sure if i'd remember them. part of me wonders if i see the world in a different way then everyone else. am i really noticing that small child and is her face actually sprinkled with freckles, or are you seeing something different? did i actually see the heart in the sky or was it just a planes left over smoke? and really, are you all i made you out to be or are you just
another person? I think we all could answer that but I'm the only one who doesn't want to.
I'm okay with the idea of being strange and unfamiliar, its the safest thing to be.

tonight, tonight

memories i've never remembered crawl deep inside of my mind. like a childs soft walking, or a toddlers laugh, their innocent memories. then, unexpectedly, they turn into something much bigger like the guilt of a murderer, or the presence of a liar. i grip myself awake, back into this year, and reality washes over me. sending reassurance and both sadness to my brain waves. shaking both the warmth and the cruelty of our actions. not only justifying what has changed, but also forcing me to remember that everything has.

and it goes on, and on, and on.

dreams pertaining to the summer before last fumbled in her mind as the muffled sound of a phone awoke this broken girl. with eyes half open, she grabbed her phone and clumsily sorted through a list of missed calls. when she returned the call and openly accepted a stranger into her home she had never suspected that it would lead to the distinction and exploration of many secrets followed by a friendship that would last a life time.

Its all in my head

"Everyone was always on their way somewhere, or up to their eyes in something or racing around trying to find someone, or more often, merely trying to catch up with themselves."-k.t

I'm finally seeing that I'm really only trying to catch up with myself.

Repeat

I like old things. Whether its old photographs, songs, or memories. Old things always make you happy, and even though some old things are bad, we can still laugh. What brought this about is my old play list. I was listening to it and I just thought of everything I had ever matched up with those songs.

Make with what you have.

My 2009 resolution is something that has kept me up several times. I over analyze the things I hope to accomplish and change. Really, all I'd like is to be to the point where I realize that 2007 was not out to get me. It was the best year of my life and now I see it as such a burden because its all I can focus on. Its the center of my thoughts. Its time for that to change, its time for the center of my thoughts to be something more realistic, something that can actually re-occur. Because as amazing as that year was it's not coming back. 

My resolution is to be able to settle for something that might be less than 2007  because right now I have no other choice.

Viki says I sound depressed, I'm not. I promise you, really, I'm happy.