Two years ago I wouldn't have seen myself here. Living without certain people that affected me in more than just one way. But now it not only seems that I'm better off, I feel like I'm better off. I don't need half the people I did then and I'm surprising everyone.

i don't remember anymore and i don't want to. your sick, twisted memories are being covered. Their being buried under bushels of happiness running off of some one elses current. One that makes me happy and blissfull. One that make me admiring and strong. No longer do I need those dull memories that brought me to this day, to this conclusion that I have come to several different times. That I don't need you. And that I'm alright, I was always alright, I just didn't want to be left in the dark like another past time that has kept me up several times. I love you, I hate you, & so many more things that remain unsaid in the middle of it all. Even intoxicated goosebumps still crawl up my skin when I think of you and what you did and how guilty I feel for doing it to him. I understand now, I do, and I forgive you.

I know its late and my voice is cracking

i don't have it in me to be like you. i know he means what he says and i won't ever put anyone through what you put me through. i'd rather myself be miserable then anyone else feel how i did because it was the worse feeling in the entire world and you didn't do anything about it.

i just want to stand on top of a mountain and scream like theres no tomorrow. i want to scream until i feel my lungs give out and my body begins to collapse. i have so much anger toward everything you are.

S2

you can't pop in my life whenever you'd like. you need to always be there or you need to not be there at all. you won't ever be able to completely understand what you constantly walking in and out does to me. it turns my hopes into something bigger and then the next day you go back to pretending i don't exist. we'll talk all night and you'll say cute things, then the next day its back to nothing. you've become a stranger to me, we rarely talk anymore besides on those nights you acknowledge me or actually answer me. i'm afraid to become familiar with you again because the last time i did that i was left. its like you don't want me to know your next move, you don't want me to know anything about you. call me crazy but i think you care about me. you have to care about me some what. but the thing is you don't do these things to people you care about. that's where i'm confused. it seems like you've been playing mind games with me for the past almost 2 years. honest to god, i'm convinced you have this radar where when i'm not thinking about you, you'll pop in and make me think about you. then like i said, its back to nothing in less than 24 hours. i'm not going into the new year with all of this, everything that has ever been left unsaid on my chest. i'm starting fresh with or without you. i've lost you before and i've had you before, it makes no difference to me anymore. i've learned to deal. i'd rather you stay but i'm not going to make you stay, cause like i said, i've learned to deal and i've adjusted to life without you even though i'd rather it be the other way.

we have too much fun.

i've been staring at my eyes lately. i'm finally seeing how much they can give away. i had never realized how much of a story mine actually tell. looking at them, staring at the person back at me, my eyes water up. i see everything that i don't say.

i know i can make it and that's what scares the hell out of me.

inhale, exhale. constant reminders that beauty is still left in even the most destructive things. stomach doing cartwheels around the world and eyes searching for something more, a bigger piece to the puzzle. searching for identity, blurred faces stay behind along with fuzzy words. a box hides under the bed containing faces and hidden explanations. a thick notebook with pretty words disguising themselves as excuses, trying to form reason out of cracks in the ground.

i felt like writing, thats what i got out of it.
i'm kind of proud.

crossed lines i shouldn't have crossed

it's kind of funny, my life. sometimes its easy--as easy as remembering, and others it's worse, kind of like trying to forget. either way, i'm always trying to be secure and maintain my balance with gravity. i never knew you'd be apart of that gravity.

more so, in my situation the best way you can put it is "the lamb fell in love with the lion." i'm no monster.